When I was four, my mom and I would often get up with my dad as he prepared for work. We were up before the sun. At that time, my dad would have been low seniority at the Pontiac plant, working for GM. In no way the comfy job many envision when they think of working for GM. What most people don't realize is, the 'comfy' only settles in toward retirement. I'm not sure GM in the 70's even had comfy.
For the first twenty years of my life or more, I can't recall one day that my dad ever took off for illness or voluntary vacation. He would get up, often before the sun and return in the afternoon. If we were lucky, he'd come inside the house before heading to the garage to tinker or do more side work to earn more money. We still had vacations because dad got laid off a lot (low seniority), and GM typically has a mandatory shut down in the summer months for something they call "change over."
There were good and bad points to having a hard working father. He wasn't perfect. But, I always felt, and still do, that he was doing what he was doing for my benefit. It was to keep us secure. He went to work sick, never took days off, so they'd never get the impression that they could do without him.
The reason I know this? In recent years, while I was employed, I'd call him in the middle of a vacation day just to chat. He's immediately ask why I wasn't at work. If I took more than one vacation day off in a row, he'd make sure to tell me, "Don't go missing from your job long enough for them to realize that they might get along just fine without you."
I inherited my dad's work ethic. I never considered it a bad thing, but it did have some negative aspects. When I started working in an office setting, they didn't appreciate me showing up for work running a fever or spreading contagious illnesses. I was very sternly told one day to stay home the next time I thought I wasn't feeling well.
Not taking vacation time didn't make supervisors too happy either. It was okay most of the year, but when it came to November or December, my vacations would have to be crammed in last minute. I'm not complaining about what my dad exemplified. It bites at me every morning because I'm currently unemployed. I also live in Michigan. I believe we have the highest level of unemployment in the country.
Not being productive, in a more traditional sense, has proven to be very hard for me. I haven't adjusted well to a more domestic, stay-at-home status. I don't mean that as a strike against those that do. It's just not proving to be me.
I feel like I'm failing as a provider. I'm not securing my children's security, if that makes sense.
The worst part though, is the feeling of being lost. My profession has morphed a bit. I always worked for newspapers, and now there are few of those to choose from.
I originally thought I'd roll my creativity into web design. I soon found that creativity comes after programming in many cases, if at all. The creative process isn't as quick and free. It has more to do with code and organization, less, if anything, to do with art. Web Design didn't "feed my soul," as my pastor likes to say. It actually seemed like more of an added offense in light of the career path I left behind.
So, every day the Michigan Talent Bank website shoots me a list of possible jobs. It's usually a pretty short list, if I get any at all. I've applied for many. I've applied for jobs I was over qualified for, jobs I was under qualified for. I applied to places that weren't hiring. I even started applying for jobs that I never really thought about doing. I'm more than willing to take something that isn't related to my previous field.
Politicians and Pundits keep telling us that things are going to get better. The jobs will come back. It's hard waiting on that, especially knowing that any job will likely not involve what I've grown so comfortable doing. I feel like I'm stuck in Career Limbo.
We get college pamphlets in the mail, and I think, wow, Medical Billing. Surely that's a secure career bath. It doesn't sound exciting or even mildly entertaining, but it would be a paycheck, maybe some benefits. Maybe there would be some security in it. But, then again, who am I to go back to college when my wife hasn't had the chance to go yet?
So, I think about what does feed my soul. I didn't really have a recognizable, active faith when I was younger. I have an intense love for God now. I love to read about Him, talk about Him, and honestly, write about Him. My faith dominates every aspect of my life. But, how do you turn that into a career… at my age… in my situation?
Giving up on my old career, coming to terms with the idea of doing something less inspiring or natural for me, hasn't made my job search easier. Instead, it's even more depressing to look for ANY job that would pay a decent wage, because they are proving just as hard to find.
I know I sound like a whiny, broken record. I just can't decide what I want to do. I don't see a clear path in front of me. I don't see any road signs pointing the way. Perhaps putting this down in written form will open some pathways of thought.
When I first found out my job was disappearing, I went through a rough time. For lack of a better way of putting it, I felt like I was screwed, that things were grim. After a few weeks of that, I had a moment when I felt/knew that I didn't need to be so worried. I felt/knew that someone had my back no matter what. Most of my anxiety over the situation was much more manageable after that. Lately, I'm feeling like I need at least a glimmer of a road sign, something to point in some direction. I don't want to flip a coin on what to do next, and I'm feeling like it has come to that.
I know I shouldn't be afraid, but fear is a tricky habit to break. I'm praying that the guy who has my back (and I don't doubt this really) will soon grab my shoulders and turn me in the right direction, maybe give me a little shove.
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