Angry with God

I feel the need for a disclaimer. The following view is my own. These beliefs are not necessarily shared by most Christians, Free Methodists, Evangelicals or otherwise. They are conclusions I have come to through years of living, studying, and probably over-analyzing.

I'm angry at God today. I'm angry even though I do not believe the situation that is upsetting me is God's fault. The issue of 'Why God Lets Bad Things Happen to Good People' has been front and center for about a week now because of the earthquakes in Haiti. Today I'm also upset about something a bit closer to home.

About a year ago, one of my brother's friends lost a baby. Last night, his girlfriend's cousin lost their three month old. These are people that he is close to, and I see that these things effect him. I don't even know these people, and I feel bad. I've been in their shoes.

I used to fall on the old idea of 'everything happens for a reason.' One person's pain might accomplish a greater good in some, often unseen, way. That never really sat well with me though.

I just can't imagine a loving deity sitting somewhere with a clipboard that lists our names with end dates printed next to them. I'm not saying that He's totally out of the picture, that He doesn't have a plan. I think there's a clear beginning and end for mankind, but I'm not so sure there's a clear end in mind for each of us. That idea seems to defeat the idea of free will for me.

The story that turned this idea around for me was the Adam and Eve story, one of the very first in the Bible. Whether you take it literally or metaphorically, at one point mankind lived with God in near perfection, every need met without danger. Deciding to rebel against all that they are very clearly cast out into a world where every need isn't met, where death is possible. Anne Rice calls it the "Savage Garden" as if we live in a place that is a counter balance to the place we were intended to live.

The idea that we live in a realm where God can't protect us from every blow makes much more sense to me. It makes more sense if we're to believe that we truly have free will, that we're freely allowed to acknowledge God or ignore Him.

I must point out that I do believe God sometimes pulls strings here and there. I've been in situations where mere coincidence seems like an incredibly weak explanation. I've had prayers answered in ways that taught me more than my simple wishful imaginings could have done.

Some would argue that we have good reason to be angry with a god that would turn us out into such a harsh and cruel world instead of protecting us. I'm pretty sure it was more our decision than His. I'm sure, being Omnipotent and all, He knew we'd make the wrong choice at some point, but that whole 'free will' thing comes up again. I think living in a world that can be savage and cruel teaches us about love in a way we wouldn't have been able to learn if we lived in a paradise. I mean, could we really appreciate the goodness we're capable of if we were in an environment where everything falls into place for us?

I think I'm angry today because there's no one else to turn to with these emotions. I don't think anyone's to blame. We live in a world where the people we love the most die, sometimes for reasons doctors can't even explain.

I know it's not exactly your fault Lord, but it sucks.