Violence, Justice, Wrestling…

In the weeks that followed September 11th, 2001, many words escaped my lips that, even then, felt like they were being spoken by some anti-Brian. The words didn't feel like me. Other people told me as much back then.

I had been married for less than a year. Life was good for me. Planes crashing into buildings, that shook my world view, and I didn't like it. It opened my eyes to things I wanted to ignore. It opened up a reality I wanted to deny. I wasn't as safe as I had once thought. Fear, though certainly no stranger in life back then, seemed to grow legs in those days. I was sad too, but that wasn't as transformative.

Hitting that wall of reality made my tongue wag. I wanted justice. I wanted revenge. I wanted violence. I wanted blood. The words that escaped my tongue felt both wrong and right back then. They only feel wrong now. I feel too much shame to share them with you today.

The death of Osama Bin Laden should be something we all contemplate. This is a case where my faith butts heads with my patriotism. It's hard not to see the death of a violent person as a victory when he's caused you sadness and fear, but it's also hard to forget the lessons I've picked up on since then. Death removes the possibility of redemption as we know it.

Using violence to solve problems is easy, but I believe it costs us part of our souls. It's harder to avoid violence if it costs us our lives. So the question may be, what's more important our lives or our souls? Would we rather be a King Jr. or a Bin Laden?

My heart has changed. I feel now that my words were likely very similar to the words of those I sought to harm. I had become no different than my perceived enemy. They were killers, so I wanted them killed, making me a killer.

Justice is a tricky subject. It may sound cliche to say that only God knows the whole story, but I believe it. Even when someone is clearly committing acts of evil, we never know what every motivation might be. We think we do. Maybe there is no justification for evil, but maybe it's not right for us to judge anyway. Over and over again in scripture, God reminds us to be merciful.

I was a fairly new Christian back in 2011. I hadn't chased God much. There's been a lot of pursuit since then. Today, I can't see God being happy with further bloodshed. I can't imagine Jesus approving the outcome or methods. I don't think he wanted us to pray for enemies as we planned to shoot them in the head. It's hard to make a bullet loving.

I also became a father since 2001. My concept of love has grown in ways I can't put into words. If I love my kids so much that nothing they could ever do would take that love away, how much more does God love us? If God loves me, doesn't he love everyone, including terrorists?

If I find fault in a man because he caused so much death, how can I find comfort in even more death? To me, yesterday's death was just one more ugly event in a cycle of ugly events. I doubt the cycle has ended.

This world, this savage garden, it seems it will always leave me shaking my head in disgust, not just for the actions of others, but for the yearnings of my own heart. I thank God my heart is less stony today. I pray it's even less stony tomorrow.

Heaven

I know I still have a Challenge response to answer for, but this was on my mind today. I've been doing some freestyle writing on whatever pops into my head. Today I was thinking about Heaven. The subject often sparks some great conversations when you get people going. The Bible has a few sections on Heaven, but I don't think we know much about what to expect.

The following is just fiction inspired by my imagination. It's not Biblical. It's not based on any creed. It was done quickly, so it might be more prone to spelling errors.

If you enjoy it, please let me know. Maybe I'll expand it a bit.

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Did someone just call my name?

I'm lying on my back, comfortable. Feels like cool grass beneath me. My eyes are closed, but I can tell it's daytime out by the light. I was just in the hospital. Is this the hospital? I can hear birds chirping.

I open my eyes. No. Blue sky above with a few lazy clouds. We're not in Kansas anymore Toto. This isn't the hospital.

I sit up, quickly looking around. I must not have left the hospital. Where are my wife and kids? I don't see anyone else.

The sun is there, but I have no idea what time it is. I try to remember what I had just been doing, but everything is hazy. I was in the hospital. Everything is a little blurry. What time was it there? This doesn't feel like the same day. It feels like I've been… resting. It seems like I've been resting for a while.

I'm on a hill. Long, green grass all around leading down into a valley. A few trees here and there. The trees are green, full. There's a warm breeze. You can hear it weave itself through the grass and trees. It's comfortable.

My eyes, I can see things crystal clear. I've never been able to do that. They feel different, whole, no glares or blurs. All the parts feel… real. Something I'm not used to.

I pinch myself, and it hurts. I could still be dreaming, but it really doesn't feel that way. In fact, I feel very awake. I can smell the grass. Each breath is full, clean.

I stand up and look down at myself. I'm wearing a loose fitting, black Dickies work shirt and carpenter jeans. One of my all time favorite outfits. For some reason the Dickies logo makes me laugh. If I'm where I think I might be… it's just funny to see a logo. I giggle again at the thought of checking to see what kind of underwear I might have on. Nothing is covering my feet. The grass tickles them in the breeze.

Then I realize something else, I'm thin. My eyes jump to my arms. They're a bit fitter than I ever remember them being, more muscular. My skin is younger than it should be. I don't see any of my familiar scars or marks.

I realize my hair is hanging down to my shoulders in ringlets, the way I wore it when I was in my twenties. I run a hand down my face. I've got a goatie. Everything else is smooth, young feeling.

I take another longer look around. No buildings. The trees get closer together down in the valley. Behind me is more hilly incline, more open field for as far as I can see. I think I'll check out the valley a little more. That feels right.

Every step down the hill is soft, full of green grass and soft soil. I feel leisurely, like I'm out for a stroll. I keep thinking about my wife and kids, but not even that is stressing me out in the least. I'm just going to walk for a while. See what's what.

I think about how strange it is that I'm not panicking. I don't know where I am or if I'm in danger, but I just don't feel any of those things. I'm calm. I'm not hungry, tired, or overly warm or cold.There's a very natural feeling grin on my face.

The trees get more numerous and taller. I hear a cicada buzzing. There are birds in every tree, chirping. I walk for a few minutes before noticing movement out of the corner of my eyes, not the trees, not the birds.

People! Maybe four or five coming through the trees into a clearing up ahead. They're still yards away, but people! I'm smiling again, the craziest thing. I don't know who these people are. I don't even know where I am for certain. Without explanation, I'm happy to see them.

As I get closer, I see that they're all smiling too. Maybe we're all crazy, but that doesn't seem to matter. A few of them are waving.

Their clothes are weird. They're a motley crew. One lady is wearing a long, full dress like something from the 1920's and a fancy hat. There's a guy wearing clothing I've never seen the likes of before. It's some form of shirt and pants, but the style is strange to me. There's an Asian guy wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt. They're all about the same age, maybe eighteen or twenty. Everyone is fit looking, strong, healthy, smiling.

Before I can say anything, I hear a voice, "Come. Follow me." I recognize that voice. It's like a voice that I've heard every day for my entire life, but I also can't exactly place it, though I have my suspicions. We all turn toward it, and there, just above the trees, miles away still, is what appears to be a city.